God and Me, Chatting it Out

I'm not a religious guy at all, never have been. To me, religion at best seems ill-fitted for modern times and at worst comes across as one giant hilarious farce designed to delude honest people into giving up their own personal sense of morals for a pre-written list of platitudes and lies.
I could poke holes in religious arguments for ages, but I won't. But I'll give you a taster of my cynicism- here is how I think it might pan out if I get hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow and shimmy on up to the Pearly Gates. Beware, I may need to have had a few beers to get the most testing lines out, but hey, maybe me being drunk led to me being hit by that bus.

God: Shame on you my son! You have ignored my eternal message and strayed from the path of Christ! It is unending damnation for you!
Me: Hang on a minute. Let's be honest, you didn't make it that easy did you, blessing me with a logical mind and a curious personal nature? Come on, was I really going to believe a 2,000 year old book with a tenuous plot, or some rather sensible modern theories?
God: Good point, but it's in the faith you see, trust without proof.
Me: Right. That's the thing isn't it, it's not really very fair is it? Punishing us for not believing in something without proof? Thanks a bunch.
God: Ah, but I work in mysterious ways. I sent my only Son to heal your sins.
Me: Yeah, great job, healing my sins two millenia before I was born, in a country 3,ooo miles away with no accurate method of recording events apart from world of mouth. Wasn't the best idea was it? If you'd had another son inWeston-super-Mare in the 1980's then I might have gotten the message. And as for mysterious ways, Bristol Rovers beat us in the cup this year. What the fuck was that about?
God: Sorry, I thought I should give them a bit of hope after such a shitty league season. Don't worry, they'll be losing in the final to Doncaster.
Me: While we're at it, what's up with the multiple religions? Do you just automatically send all the Muslims and Jews to hell then? What about all the undiscovered peoples of the Amazon?
God: They all worship the same God. It's the thought that counts, like socks for Christmas .
Me: Well good job telling us. We're been knocking seven shades of shit out of each other about whose God is better for a bit of a while now.
God: Well, I created a perfect world, it is you who has tarnished it. If I interfered I would be infringing on your free will.
Me: Give me a break. You created a perfect world, but we tarnished it? Did we create cancer and bacteria and earthquakes and plane crashes and Dale Winton? And for your information the world isn't perfect, we're far too close to France for my personal comfort.
God: Yeah, bit of a design flaw there, France had to go somewhere.
Me: And don't you think you could make following you a bit more enticing? We only currently have a choice between chanting stuffy old hymns with the oldies, or being young and socially typecast as strange deluded altruistic weirdos that like to spend Friday evenings choosing their favourite Bible sections and being gutwrenching nice.
God: I'll admit, I do have a bit of a cult following. Maybe I do need to make it a bit more street.
Me: Street? Act your age God.
God: Sorry, too much MTV. Pimp My Ride is whack. Sorry.
Me: Listen, I'm actually not that bad of a bloke. Either we can keep arguing like this or you can send me back down there and you can have another 50 years to think up a decent argument. Deal?
God: Fair enough.
Me: Oh, and give me one of those dramatic resuscitation scenes like on Holby City. That would be great.
God: Don't push your luck.