An Open Letter to Professional Footballers

Dear Professional Footballers,
I enjoy watching and occasionally playing football, and admire your talent for the game. I find it to be a wholly interesting and enthralling sport, one which I am happy to be associated so closely with my country and culture. Well done for rising through the swathes of amateurs ranks and becoming professionals, an achievement only a few aspiring children will ever obtain.
However, I think I can be of assistance to you. I enclose a list of advisory points that you may find useful in gaining the recognition of the public and your peers to a greater extent. Feel free to use them as you see fit.

1. Shut the fuck up. When the referee says it's a red card, it's a red card. When he says it's a penalty, it's a penalty. No amount of crowding around him and shouting abuse at him will make him change his mind you classless bunch of chavs. In fact, if I was in charge, I would book any player who spoke to me ever, unless he was telling me that I'd dropped my wallet, in which case I'd give him a final warning. Referees turn up every weekend, run twice as far as any of the players, get paid a pittance and don't even get on the team sheet, so give them some respect. In rugby, whose players could, by the way, beat the shit out of you, the 20 stone blokes cower in respect of the 5 foot 2 bald guy who runs the show. Learn from it.
2. Don't be such a pussy. When you're dribbling along, you have a remarkable tendency to fall flat on your highly paid arsed as soon as the nearest defender farts in your general direction. I don't care if you think that it's your prerogative to go down if you're touched, it's a man's game so act like a man and stay on your feet. If Bobby Moore had brushed Cristiano Ronaldo and he'd fallen over, Bobby would have kicked him in the nuts as he lay faking an injuring on the ground and told him "now that's a foul, get up you fucking girl". Again, rugby players seem to do okay when they have 3 international forwards hanging off them, but you fall over when someone throws a coin at you. Get over yourselves, I'm embarrassed to watch it.
3. Stop whining about money. Don't you dare ever ask for a pay rise, or blow all your money on the horses. If some moron wants to pay you a million pounds every time you take a piss then there's not much I can do about it, but don't go crying about it if you suddenly can't afford the repayments on the small country you bought, or the mafia want that money they lent you for that naughty little crack habit. Not my problem. 100 years ago players played for nothing, in between 16 hour shifts down the mine. And they loved it. And they still managed to stay on their feet, and treat the ref with respect too.
4. Keep your knuckles off the ground. I know your IQ isn't very high, I know your missed your GCSEs because "you couldn't be fukkin bovvered", I know you share half your genes with angry confused gorillas, but for some unknown reason, kids look up to you. So don't chin another player in front of a crowd including the local primary school, because they'll think it's okay. It isn't. For the amount of luck you've had in life, you can afford to not be a twat from time to time. Anyway, you fight like girls, any decent rugby team would murder you, and apologise to the ref afterwards.
5. Stop crying you little bitch. I know it sucks to get knocked out of the World Cup, because we all get knocked out, not just you, whenever you finally play a team not bad enough to lose to your slow, passionless drivvel. We line the pubs in our thousands to watch it, every four years, and we never cry. We go back to our crappy jobs in garages and corner shops and offices. You get to kick a ball around again, for 100 times what we earn. So don't cry, little girl, it'll be okay. For anyone who cries when they lose a playoff/cup final/league, then there's no hope, you're just too much of a pansy, Bobby Moore wouldn't waste his time kicking you in the nuts. He'd just laugh, and wave his World Cup medal, taunting you.

Thank you for your time, I hope you can take some of this on board.

Regards,

The Rising Medic

p.s. The following footballers can disregard this letter-

• Gary Lineker
• Alan Shearer
• Bobby Moore (rest in peace you legend)
• Pele (good work on bum cancer)
• Gary Neville (illiterate)